I have been dreading writing this post, because I know that when I do, it will mean that The Spanish Life is really over. Though I have enjoyed the blog, the nostalgia won't come from it, but rather from the real Spanish life; my life in Barcelona.
Upon deciding to study abroad, I knew that it was going to be life-changing, but I didn't really understand what that meant. I knew I would learn a lot, I would see things I had never imagined I would see, and I would find a part of myself that I never imagined existed, but my experience went so much further than that. To sum it all up, I think I finally found what it really means to be happy. Living in tiny apartment, with a shower that my own father wouldn't be able to stand in, without a dryer, without air conditioning, and saddest of all, without my family or my puppies, I was truly happier than I have ever been before, but why? Why here, without the people that I love the most, was I so happy and content? And I truly believe it was because at last, I finally let go and allowed myself to truly be me.
From the moment that I stepped off of the plane in Barcelona, I let go of everything that is constantly weighing me down at home. This was my chance to be exactly who I wanted to be, without expectations, responsibilities, or heavy baggage from the past; it was the most liberating thing I have ever felt. Home is wonderful, but inevitably I am a twenty year old girl who wants to impress, succeed, live up to expectations, be beautiful, fall in love, and be the best daughter and friend that I can be, but in Spain I let all of this go, and therefore came to realize that by letting the "demands" of life go, everything falls into place a little bit smoother, a little bit better, and life works so much better. It's all about faith. It's all about realizing that I am not in control.
Leaving Spain, I was terrified. I never thought that I was going to be that girl who cried herself to sleep the night before returning home because she was so afraid. Sad, and afraid. Don't get me wrong, I had been counting down the days until May 14 since about my second week there, nevertheless, I was absolutely terrified. I was terrified that when I left the two girls who knew me better in two months than anyone had ever known me before, that I was leaving that fun-loving, carefree part of me that I had found with them behind. I was scared that when I left my tiny, gross apartment, and the Spanish speaking streets, that I would lose the endurance and the motivation that allowed me to overcome such obstacles behind. I was scared that when I was back home, safe and loved, I would lose the confidence and the strength that I had worked so hard to find on my own.
Coming home, I have confronted some of the reality of some of these fears head on, however, I have also been pleasantly surprised by how much I truly do still love home, and how perfect life feels when I have my family by my side. I have been disappointed in the past three weeks by several things, from family members letting me down, to not being able to order wine at dinner anymore, but in the grand scheme of things, there is nowhere else I would rather be. I miss Spain, but I do not wish that I was still there, and though I have been tempted to fall back into the pressures of life at home, I now have the knowledge of how much better life is when you let them go as a constant reminder to what really matters in life. My family, my health, my strength, my freedom, my country.
When people told me that going abroad was going to be the best thing that would ever happen to me, I would politely nod my head and smile, while thinking "yah, yah...I wont change that much," but once again, they were right and I was wrong. Though I returned home craving the YMCA, Bread & Company, and Starbucks, and wanted nothing more than to snuggle on the couch with my puppies, I grew up in 4.5 months more than I ever imagined possible. And best of all, all the growth that I experienced while away, came home with me. I am a better person than I was when I left.
Sorry for the rant, I am just so happy that I did what I never truly believed I was capable of, and that I am now home and never have to leave again if I don't want to.
Thank you all for following my blog while I was gone, for loving me while I was across the world, and for not forgetting me like I greatly feared that you would.
All my love.
